First Time Here?

Welcome. This is the journal of my journey as I try to understand and (eventually) elude my wife (W). She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and I am the victim of her abuse. The links on the left will explain why I call myself desolate and the story so far. Please refer to the Acronyms Used page for quick help with acronyms.

My journal starts in September 2017. The best way to follow progress is by reading these posts, oldest first. This link will list all posts, oldest first. If need be, you can email me too.


 

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Why I Stayed

After a recent comment on one of my posts*, I feel the necessity to elaborate on why I’ve endured the abuse for so long and to justify doing some of the things I have ‘chosen’ to do. I’ve lightly touched on this matter in the story so far, but totally neglected the fact  that this obviously needed elaboration. My choice of staying with W is a result of my blind faith in love and my foolish surmise that W’s behavior will change as a result of my unconditional acceptance. Furthermore, I have reluctantly done some things in order to cultivate peace, to avoid confrontation. Knowing that W can potentially blow up over practically any matter, I did not have the fortune to ‘pick my battles’.

Continue reading “Why I Stayed”

Stunted

This past year, I’ve tried my best to overcome the mental and emotional barbed wire that W has had me under. It seemed easy to think to climb out of this hole and restore my state of mind to a ‘normal’. Much to my frustration, it has not been easy at all. Every single day is an uphill climb – simple things such as standing up to W, caring about myself, taking time out to do things that I like doing (photography, calligraphy, etc.) has been challenging. This post outlines things (activities, virtues, opinions) that I have lost somewhere along the way and some things that I was made to ‘sacrifice’ as an offering to this fiasco of a relationship with W.

Continue reading “Stunted”

She Kicked Me In My Ribs

It was a Wednesday afternoon in early May 2018 and W was at it again, because there was a pile-up of dishes in the sink that I hadn’t taken care of. DS1 was asleep, DS2 – just 2½ months old, awake. I have minimized defending myself when W starts to rage and this angers her, a lot. I apologize genuinely, once or twice and then start medium chilling. Responses that distance myself from her drama. This episode [RS:5] was different. She kept charging at me, at times with DS2 in her arms.  Continue reading “She Kicked Me In My Ribs”

The Slothful Slob

Everyday, I’m appalled by the things that W defies doing, just because she has never had to do them or because I do it better or simply saying that she “can’t“. Some quick research shows that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are indeed unwilling to do chores because they think it is below them to do menial tasks. Some Narcissists have high standards of cleanliness and fiercely impose them on others. W does have high standards, but only for the people around her. The Slave Spouse (me) is supposed to clean up after her every single day, multiple times.

Writing this post has been somewhat uncomfortable. I’ve been hesitant whether or not to share some of these details, even if I am writing these anonymously. As a guy, it has not been easy admitting to doing some of these. Please pardon the vagueness in some parts.

Continue reading “The Slothful Slob”

Narcissist’s Chant

That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did
You deserved it.

And if you deserved it, then I am the victim.
And if I am the victim, you owe me an apology.

From this post on Reddit. I can’t seem to find the original source.

This resonates so much with my experience with W. This is how W claims “closure” in every single episode.