First Time Here?

Welcome. This is the journal of my journey as I try to understand and (eventually) elude my wife (W). She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and I am the victim of her abuse. The links on the left will explain why I call myself desolate and the story so far. Please refer to the Acronyms Used page for quick help with acronyms.

My journal starts in September 2017. The best way to follow progress is by reading these posts, oldest first. This link will list all posts, oldest first. If need be, you can email me too.


 

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Depression: Living With This Heart Anvil

I tend to portray a resilient personality, one that is seemingly unaffected by all that is going on around me. I make it appear like I’ve been less of a victim, more of a spectator all along. This might have roots in not wanting to show vulnerability or simply wanting to seem normal. I feel that it is because of this that people (me included) have greater expectations from me than I can emotionally or physically afford.

This behavior is beginning to enervate me. Continue reading “Depression: Living With This Heart Anvil”

A Year Of Changes

This past year has seen a number of changes in my relationship with W. Consciously and subconsciously, I have made efforts to distant myself and cut strings with her. I’ve gone from fearing any form of confrontation to actually looking forward to another episode. I’ve ‘curtailed’, if not completely terminated a lot of my services towards W. It has been a steep hill to climb, deliberately reminding myself to care less about her needs and her. Having DS1 and DS2 around have made it easier for me to explain some of these changes to W. I would resent myself for behaving this way had it been anyone else; but it takes a daily dose of reliving a storm of memories to justify this emotional, mental and physical detachment from W.

Continue reading “A Year Of Changes”

Why I Stayed

After a recent comment on one of my posts*, I feel the necessity to elaborate on why I’ve endured the abuse for so long and to justify doing some of the things I have ‘chosen’ to do. I’ve lightly touched on this matter in the story so far, but totally neglected the fact  that this obviously needed elaboration. My choice of staying with W is a result of my blind faith in love and my foolish surmise that W’s behavior will change as a result of my unconditional acceptance. Furthermore, I have reluctantly done some things in order to cultivate peace, to avoid confrontation. Knowing that W can potentially blow up over practically any matter, I did not have the fortune to ‘pick my battles’.

Continue reading “Why I Stayed”

Stunted

This past year, I’ve tried my best to overcome the mental and emotional barbed wire that W has had me under. It seemed easy to think to climb out of this hole and restore my state of mind to a ‘normal’. Much to my frustration, it has not been easy at all. Every single day is an uphill climb – simple things such as standing up to W, caring about myself, taking time out to do things that I like doing (photography, calligraphy, etc.) has been challenging. This post outlines things (activities, virtues, opinions) that I have lost somewhere along the way and some things that I was made to ‘sacrifice’ as an offering to this fiasco of a relationship with W.

Continue reading “Stunted”

She Kicked Me In My Ribs

It was a Wednesday afternoon in early May 2018 and W was at it again, because there was a pile-up of dishes in the sink that I hadn’t taken care of. DS1 was asleep, DS2 – just 2½ months old, awake. I have minimized defending myself when W starts to rage and this angers her, a lot. I apologize genuinely, once or twice and then start medium chilling. Responses that distance myself from her drama. This episode [RS:5] was different. She kept charging at me, at times with DS2 in her arms.  Continue reading “She Kicked Me In My Ribs”